oh dear. i knew i was feeling quiet. but i didn't quite realize just how quiet i've been around here. a lot has happened. yet it feels like only a week or two has passed. how embarrassing. in my desperation to be 'in the moment', the passing of time has blurred completely.
bailey spent several weeks recovering in the vet hospital. she came home to a very happy, relieved family. with chemotherapy every three weeks and a round the clock schedule of medications, she was doing well. i know, chemotherapy...it sounds a little drastic. the vets assured us it was nothing like chemotherapy for humans, so we decided to give it a chance.
we spent two weeks in maui. in june. a lovely holiday with ella + sam, every day spent exploring beaches and tide pools, taking photos, delighting in these sweet children of ours. bailey got to spend two weeks with grandma and grandpa, stealing cat food + having lots of walks in the country.
sam turned one and took his first steps. almost a month later and i can still barely believe it. how did that happen so quickly?
sam got better. six months of ear infections came to a screeching halt. he started to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. and started to drink more milk. sleep + higher milk intake = a happy, growing baby - yay!
and ella went to fairy camp.
bailey's health started to decline and sam's sleepless nights were replaced with hers.
last week, she stopped being able to walk. she was no longer responding to the steroids and the inflammation in her brain had worsened. the vet told us nothing further could be done. and that we should spend a few final days with her. that morning ella had said 'mummy, bailey's having a rough day, isn't she? i think she wants to be up in the sky with oscar so they can be best friends and then she'll feel all better'. maybe three and a half year olds know the answers when adults don't. the next day, we took her to the mountains for a walk. we lay by the river, cuddling, crying, taking lots of photos, each of us saying goodbye in our own ways. we took her for ice cream. she ate a vanilla cone. then she ate sam's because he had fallen sleep. she kept looking at us, as if to say 'you're actually letting me do this?'. she wagged her tail. she panted happily with her chin poking out the car window. the next morning, her kidneys started to shut down. she had a small seizure. we couldn't bare to see her go through even more, so we whisked her off to the clinic and said good-bye to our sweet girl. it has been exactly one week, almost to the minute, since we lost her. needless to say, we are heartbroken. crushed. she was our baby before we knew we could have babies of our own. she brought so much love, happiness and friendship into our home and our hearts. and despite her fondness for stealing cat food, escaping, howling and driving us just a little bit nuts, she loved each of us with with every bone in her little body and we loved her back just as fiercely. crazy {and beautiful} how the love for a puppy can reach so far into the deepest corners of your heart...
we found ourselves not wanting to be at home. we spent the weekend away, trying to distract ourselves. we remembered. we told stories and looked at photos. we cried. we smiled. a lot. our first night at home was devastating. opening our door to an empty kennel, on top, her leash and collar. her water bowl, still half full. sleeping without hearing her snore. without her stealing the covers. this week has continued to be a tough one, the sadness comes in waves. something as simple as putting plastic shopping bags by the front door. no more walks, no more picking up after her. suddenly we have time. no rigorous medication schedule to follow. no chemotherapy appointments or check-ups. just a couple of minutes ago, i got a phone call from the vet clinic saying that bailey was ready to be picked up. for a split second i thought it meant she was still here, that all of this had just been a terrible dream. then i realized. despite the heartache though, there is also a sense of peace. the constant worry has ceased. we knew in our hearts it was time and that the kindest thing we could do was to let her go.bye-bye sweet girl, as ella said 'you are our bestest love in the whole wide world'.
now. now we have to find a new groove. and i guess that's why i'm finding myself here, in this space once again. it is a little bit like confiding in an old friend. and it is something i've missed. a lot. creating. connecting with friends. feeling inspired. yes. i definitely need to spend some more time here...x
