this place has seen a lot of action lately. sleeping. cuddling with sam. resting. reading. 38 issues of 'selvedge'. cuddling with ella. sleeping. curling up with bailey. bedtime stories. making nests. feeding sam. email checking. sleeping. watching 'tinkerbell' five times. making plans for a trip. to maui. whispering. tea parties. marshmallows. knitting. photo editing. watching the office with j. sleeping. sleeping. sleeping.
i have never, ever spent so much time in bed before. but this past week, it has been unavoidable and so very necessary. and without wanting to sound crazy or over-dramatic, i can't help but feeling that it's changed my life a little. last sunday i was rushed to the ER with a terrible case of food poisoning {that or the worst stomach bug ever...ick}. i became very dehydrated, very quickly. for twelve hours i was pumped full of IV fluids, 7 bags in total. i was given all kinds of medication and was sent home. the ER i went to is the busiest in the city. i saw a lot of things that scared me. i left feeling pretty rough and totally naive, shocked at the incidence of violent crimes, substance abuse, spousal abuse, child abuse and elder abuse, never mind the steady stream of heart attacks and car accidents. i got home, very gingerly had a hot shower and then collapsed on our bed, cuddling ella and sam with all the strength i had left in my body. j gave sam a bottle. i fell asleep, clinging to ella. i woke up at 3 am. with crushing chest pain, barely able to breathe. i called our medical hotline and was instructed to attend a clinic in the morning. i was seen immediately at the clinic. an ambulance was sent. but it turned out to be faster for us to drive ourselves. this time a quieter ER, in the south of the city. full of elderly people from the neighbouring nursing homes. i was immediately hooked up to an IV. i was given three shots of morphine for the pain. it didn't help. my blood pressure was extremely low and my pulse was extremely fast. my kidneys threatened to fail. my blood work showed a possible pulmonary embolism. three ekgs. a chest x-ray. and a ct scan. in quick succession. i'm not quite sure this would have been considered a life threatening situation, but with the doctor's hushed voices and quick actions, i could tell it was close to being very serious. i was there by myself and started to worry about not seeing ella and sam. i asked the nurses to call home. no one answered. two nerve-wracking hours of monitoring passed. j finally arrived. i dissolved into his arms. the doctor came 10 minutes later. the ct scan was clear. no pulmonary embolism. just a severe case of costochondritis and extreme dehydration. caused by being so violently ill. the relief. the RELIEF. my goodness. to say i was elated is an understatement. apparently the pain of severe costochondritis mimics that of a heart attack, but while very painful, it is so, so much better than the alternative. and for that, i am so, so thankful. after several more hours of treatment, i was sent home with a package of strong painkillers, a sigh of relief and a stinging awareness of the fragility of life. so once again, i collapsed on our bed with the children in my arms, holding them close, breathing them in. 
since last tuesday, i have spent every day in bed. sleeping, resting. enjoying brief non-medicated moments with ella and sam. having tea parties. watching movies. eating marshmallows under the covers. and taking some moments to create. a few rows of knitting. a couple of photos edited. small, tiny steps. i am overwhelmed by the desire to be more mindful. of my surroundings. of my life. of the people i love. i am physically and emotionally exhausted. but my heart is full. and the fog is lifting. there is an energy, that i haven't felt in a very long time, rising within me. making me want to be more. do more. see more. feel more. i know, i say it all too often, i have plans. or maybe they are just dreams. whatever they are. i am excited about them. i just realized. i feel excited again. it's been a long time. eek. i didn't mean to sound so cheesy in this last paragraph. so, a disclaimer. i'm going to blame it on the painkillers. and a lack of better words.
i'm thinking i'll be resting quite a bit over the next couple of weeks, so maybe that will translate into some more posts and photos, and hopefully they will be more creative and less, ahem, cheesy, than this one. fingers crossed.
{the beautiful quilt above is purl's colour wheel quilt and was made by my very talented mother-in-law. the woollen blanket is from avoca, a cherished birthday gift from my mum. i used the 'lux' photoshop action from here to process the photos - i love how this action makes the colours in the quilt and blanket 'pop' - the yellow-ness is growing on me, i think}
