slipping

It's been a while.

Again.

I just can't seem to get a grasp of how quickly the days are going by. With so much to do and so little actually being accomplished, time is slipping through my fingers and there seems to be nothing concrete to show for it. When I have a spare moment I spend it breathing in my baby :: kissing her forehead while she naps :: playing peek-a-boo for an extra couple of minutes to hear her squeal in delight just one more time :: watching her pass a piece of ribbon from hand to hand, studying it intensely, glancing at me as if to say 'look at what I can do', then smiling with glee at her newfound ability to explore the world around her :: sitting on the couch with my little girl {she sits!}, waiting for the moment when she'll relax that perfect posture of hers and sleepily lean into my side, quietly drifting off for a few minutes of restorative slumber. So many moments to breathe in before they slip away. So many other things pulling me {or should I say 'us'} in different directions, leaving us perpetually waiting for the right time, the right opportunity, the right moment to start our new lives. Kind of like we're spinning in a centrifuge, waiting for the right moment to stop and watch the layers separate, some rising to the top while others slip away and sink to the bottom. Maybe I'll just leave it at that, before I get too upset and too lost in my thoughts to sleep. Ah, sleep, what a comforting thought :) It doesn't come easily these days, during this time of incredible transition, but when it does, it is sweet and very welcomed. Even if it is punctuated with the occasional cry from ella. And the not-so-occasional coughing fit which I've been plagued with for the past couple of weeks. I'm crossing my fingers that I'm on the brink of recovery as this cough is literally taking my breath away, catching on what seems like every fifth word - I desperately want to breathe and talk again, without being left in a fit of uncontrollable, convulsive sputtering. Nothing like being over-dramatic when you're sick, eh? :) Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself and perhaps a little pouty because my husband is away working and not here next to me.

A quick word about this space :: I love writing here and I truly miss it, but it is yet another thing that I feel is slipping away from me. This isn't just about finding the time, but rather finding the 'right' time to come up with something meaningful and hopefully coherent {more challenging than it sounds}, not to mention the fact that all creative content is stalled or 'in-progress' and internet access is a rare occurence. Let's not discuss how desperately behind I am. I just am. And there seems to be no end in sight. But I'm determined to make this work and although I'm tempted to say I'll resume when things finally settle down, I can't because I don't know when that will be. So instead just know that if there is silence, it is not deliberate, just circumstantial...aligning the 'right time' with some creative content and access to the internet is an ever-sought-after yet oh-so-elusive concept for me at the moment which I will try to conquer...

Comments

[leslie]

take care of yourself, buddy, and give your sweet girl a kiss for me. i finally get it, the struggle to cherish every little look and gesture because, even at only 4 weeks, i can see how much they change and how quickly. keep soaking it in and come back here when you can : )